Your little gremlin

Thu, 09 Jul 2009 02:39:55 GMT

My sister is dead. I am on vacation. I can't take this.

K made me do it

Sun, 07 Jun 2009 02:18:49 GMT

1. Your Middle Name:
2. Age:
3. Single or Taken:
4. Favourite Movie:
5. Favourite Song or Album:
6. Favourite Band/Artist:
7. Dirty or Clean:
8. Tattoos and/or Piercings:
9. Do we know each other outside of LJ?
10. What's your philosophy on life?
11. Is the bottle half-full or half-empty?
12. Would you keep a secret from me if you thought it was in my best interest?
13. What is your favourite memory of us?
14. What is your favourite guilty pleasure?
15. Tell me one odd/interesting fact about you:
16. You can have three wishes (for yourself, so forget all the 'world peace etc' malarky) - what are they?
17. Can we get together and make a cake?
18. Which country is your spiritual home?
19. What is your big weakness?
20. Do you think I'm a good person?
21. What was your best/favourite subject at school?
22. Describe your accent
23. If you could change anything about me, would you?
24. What do you wear to sleep?
25. Trousers or skirts?
26. Cigarettes or alcohol?
27. If I only had one day to live, what would we do together? (If you have no idea, just say something crazy, it'll entertain me!)
28. Will you repost this so i can fill it out for you?

Mon, 01 Jun 2009 01:48:34 GMT

Random weird thought (yah, I know I never post but I'm trying to get back into by warming myself up over on Facebook):

Am I the only one who hates the phrase "screamed like a little girl?" I know in some ways it is referring to a male shrieking and it being so high pitched that it sounds feminine. But still...to me it wraps in connotations of someone being weak/a scaredy cat/etc...and links it with the concept of "girl." I find it just as offensive as "pitches like a girl." And I make sure I don't say it to my kids.

Pete said it today and I discussed it with him tonight. He hadn't thought of it in that way. I'm curious if I'm the only one who thinks of it in that way.

The rumors of my demise have been greatly exaggerated.

Wed, 29 Apr 2009 02:15:51 GMT

Type your cut co<lj-cut>

Last January (2008) I went on Zoloft for PPD. I couldn't enjoy Gabey or bond well, his reflux and losing weight issues had me in a state of constant panic and terror and self blame. It worked great, but in October at 150 mg I began a slide into becoming what I now call a "Zoloft Zombie." This coincided with an online friend losing a second baby. The pain I felt for her, her family, and our support group just pushed me further inside myself. Plus as winter started, Kevin's PANDAS induced OCD would flare up more and more often--which made me angry and guilty and crazy. I found no joy in any of the holidays (even Halloween, which I LOVE). I could barely force myself to do even the bare minimum for each holiday for the kids' sake. I rebuffed every social invite I got (which aren't many). I stopped going to therapy--I didn't feel bad, so why did I need to go (AHHAHAHAHAHHA!). I could rarely force myself to go to the parenting drop in center that I've attended nearly weekly since Kevin was 2 1/2. I let emails pile up. I did nothing around the house other than the bare minimum. I took months to set up appointments or return phone calls. I spent little to no time playing with my kids, as opposed to taking care of them. The only socializing I did was in IM with two friends. Every night I sat with my laptop, online, and didn't talk to Pete or anyone. I stopped reading books (my lifelong passion). I had no energy. I could barely get out of bed in the morning, despite getting "a full night's sleep." I didn't give a shit what I looked like. I was so happy Kevin was in full day kindergarten. I didn't give a shit about anything.

But I thought I was fine because I wasn't depressed, right? I didn't feel sad. I wasn't screaming at my kids or husband, which was nice. In fact, while they pissed me off, I rarely got into arguments with them. I would just shrug, walk away, and do whatever needed to be done myself all the while thinking what assholes they were. I barely had anything that could be called an emotion. And I am and have always been an emotional person. But I figured that this was better than life was before the meds and I just had to deal with it. I could cruise along, not talk to anyone, and be totally turned inward. So what if I wasn't happy, at least I wasn't miserable (so I thought). Pete's job had him working all day and all evening at home--he'd break for dinner, eat, put the kids to bed, and go back to work until midnight. Several of Kevin's friends' moms were having babies, as was his kindergarten teacher, so I didn't really feel like talking to them (in fact, in some ways I was irrationally angry at them for having their babies when my friend's baby was dead). I had no motivation to talk to anyone--and winter time and being stuck inside just aided me in doing so. I had talked to my acupuncturist about it and nothing seemed to be helping, so I assumed it was hopeless.

I managed to surface just enough right around Valentine's Day to realize that not being depressed but not caring about anything and not having the desire to play with your kids or talk to your husband meant that something needed to change. I started researching online and found that actually Zoloft is not good for people with thyroid issues (I'm borderline hypothyroid and on medicine) because it just sinks your metabolism further into a coma. More and more research started pointing me at Wellbutrin. It's not best on Hale's breastfeeding list, but at that point Gabey only nursed twice a day, so I figured at his age and weight and frequency it should be okay. I also checked with several LLL folks about that and they said it should be fine. So I asked my doc for Wellbutrin and started transitioning from Zoloft to Wellbutrin that night.

The Wellbutrin has definitely helped. Much more energy. Much more desire to actually play with the kids (though in some ways I feel like I'm having to relearn it). I'm forcing myself to accept social invites and went out to dinner recently with asetwoman and an old friend we hadn't seen in 7 years. asetwoman also talked me into going to see NIN with her in May and buying Lollapalooza tickets for August. Suddenly I have a sex drive again. Wow! I have all these plans and projects in the house that I'm starting to tackle and am getting frustrated because there isn't enough time and money to take them all on at once. In some ways I feel a bit manic, but hell, it is so much better than being a zombie. I do find myself yelling which I don't like....I ended up going back on 50 mg a night of Zoloft to help keep that in check because I was starting to feel the return of minor panic attacks.

I think another reason that I finally decided to do something about this was because March 12 was our 15th wedding anniversary. I was terrified that somehow we manged to survive Zach's death, infertility, my mom's death, a high risk pregnancy....and that instead it was going to be the Zoloft that would end our marriage. Pete's job is still crazy and we are still having to relearn how to hang out with each other and do stuff instead of our computers, but things are much better. Pete was traveling a lot during the zombie time, and honestly, other than the inconvenience to me of having to do his chores while he was gone, I liked it. I didn't have to talk to ANYONE when he was gone. The house stayed cleaner, etc. Of course now I'm irritated with him because he tends towards messy (he slid into it while I was a zombie) and I want him to keep up with me! So we have to work on that.

I have started going back to therapy as well. And now have the energy to work on exercising and yoga more consistently. I have been doing a better job getting Gabey to his mommy and me music class and the drop in parenting center. I'm using FB as a reintroduction to socializing. I really want this spring and summer to be fun. Last spring and summer were not. I have a vacation planned for us in July that should be nice.

I too suspect my hormones have something to do with it. Ever since Gabe was born, I now have a week of spotting pre ovulation. I hate it. Never had it before. I get eczema on my eyelids at ovulation and my period. My acupuncturist has tried working on it with needles and traditional Chinese herbs, but because I am still nursing, I can't take the herbs she would prefer me to take. I plan on nursing Gabey about two more months. Both the acupuncturist and my GP recommended the same endocrinologist, but it turns out she is no longer on my insurance plan. Don't bother with a GYN for hormonal stuff-most of the time their only suggestion is to put you on birth control pills. My plan right now is to wait a few months after Gabey is weaned and then go to an endocrinologist if my hormones still seem to be out of whack. MY GP has done some basic blood work, but the stuff she can do isn't very detailed.

It is so hard to take those first steps. God, I know. For me I have to just do it in one big leap and not look back when I can find a moment of impetus. It's not perfect. And I don't like how now my sanity seems to depend on medications. And I wish I could find a bit more balance between zombie and manic. But it's a start. I'm yelling at my kids more (esp Kevin...6 1/2....wheee) but I'm also playing with them more, talking to them more, and having fun with them more. Same with Pete.

I just want my life to be better. It has been so hard for so long. It will be 5 years this July. That's five years I will never get back. I don't want to give up any more time. I lost so much of Kevin's childhood to this pain and depression, I don't want to lose any more of his or Gabey's childhood to it. I can't erase those years. But I'm sick to death of being stuck in neutral, sometimes in reverse. I'll never be the person I was in June 2004 ever again. I know that. But that doesn't mean that I can't try to find out who I am capable of being now.

A few months ago I got into the bag of 18m/2T spring & summer clothes that I had saved from Kevin. I was sorting it out into piles so I could wash it and put it in Gabey's drawers. These are the clothes that Kevin was wearing right before and after Zach died. There were several shirts there that brought tears to my eyes--we have pictures of Kevin in these shirts playing with friends while I was on bedrest and afterwards when people would come and take Kevin out on playdates to give us grieving time. Kevin noticed and asked me why I was crying. I explained and he said we should throw them away. I told him, no, Gabriel will wear them and make new memories for us. Still, I am sure it is going to be hard seeing Gabriel in those shirts the first few times.

Zach died when Kevin was 22 months old. I remember as I neared the end of my pregnancy thinking what a big boy Kevin was and how he understood I was having a baby, etc. Now that I have Gabriel and Kevin is 6 1/2, I realize how wrong I was. Kevin was still just a baby at that point. He only said about 10 words and signed 40 words. He really didn't understand mommy was having a baby. He was just a baby himself who needed his momma to take care of him. He had only been weaned 3 weeks before Zach died.

Gabriel will be 22 months on May 10. And for some reason, that idea hurts me. Because then I will have concrete proof in front of me that at 22 months Kevin really was a baby and look how young he was when this horrible thing happened to our family. I can look at Gabey and what he understands and realize exactly how confusing and scary it must have been for Kevin for us to suddenly be gone in the middle of the night to the hospital, for asetwoman and topherscott to be here when he woke up that night, for my mom and sister to show up the next day and stay with him, for everyone to be crying. For mom and dad to be shell shocked. Just thinking of it, my heart breaks all over again for baby Kevin and what he must have gone through. I wish I could erase that time from his childhood. It hurts me so much to think what life was like for him at that time. So, so much. I wonder if his life would be better now or he would be a different and or better person if that hadn't happened. *sigh*

I think I also have an unconscious fear that now something equally horrible will happen in Gabey's life at this point. Right now, that would be my sister dying. *fingers in ears, la la la la la can't think that la la la la la shut up brain la la la la*

I hope this made sense. I had to force myself to carve some time out to write because I was afraid I wouldn't be able to find the words. I'm just going to put it out there and hope it makes sense.

Follow up to the Xmas meme

Thu, 04 Dec 2008 05:21:17 GMT

Regarding presents for my kids--no need. Seriously. A card, a handmade picture, an promise of a playdate. Cookies or bread. A picture of legos or Star Wars or Lego Star Wars cut out of a magazine.

Thu, 04 Dec 2008 04:05:04 GMT

Step One
Make a post (public, friends-locked, filtered...whatever you're comfortable with) to your LJ. The post should contain your list of 10 holiday wishes. The wishes can be anything at all, from simple and fandom-related ("I'd love an icon of 'X' that's just for me") to medium ("I wish for _____ on DVD") to really big ("All I want for Christmas is a new car/computer/house/TV.") The important thing is, make sure these wishes are things you really, truly want.

If you wish for real life things, make sure you include some sort of contact info in your post, whether it's your address or just your email address where Santa (or one of his elves) could get in touch with you. Also, make sure you post some version of these guidelines in your LJ, or link to this post (it'll be public) so that the holiday joy will spread.

Step Two
Surf around your friendslist (or friendsfriends, or just random journals) to see who has posted their list. And now here's the important part:

If you see a wish you can grant, and it's in your heart to do so, make someone's wish come true. Sometimes someone's trash is another's treasure, and if you have a leather jacket you don't want or a gift certificate you won't use--or even know where you could get someone's dream purebred Basset Hound for free--do it. You needn't spend money on these wishes unless you want to. The point isn't to put people out, it's to provide everyone a chance to be someone else's holiday elf--to spread the joy. Gifts can be made anonymously or not--it's your call.

There are no rules with this project, no guarantees, and no strings attached. Just...wish, and it might come true. Give, and you might receive. And you'll have the joy of knowing you made someone's holiday special.

My Wishlist

My wish for this year is that my friends don't spend money on me for Xmas. Seriously. And that they don't feel obligated to make me anything or get me anything period.

If you are making cookies/bread or something and want to give me some, fine. A nice holiday card is sufficient as well. Or a holiday email. A promise to hang out sometime soon (with or without kids)--I'm dying for some adult company.

Wed, 03 Dec 2008 16:26:51 GMT

Quick memo to self. Gabey now signs:

cat
dog
more
eat
banana
finish
book
bath

Photo_11.jpg

Tue, 25 Nov 2008 18:53:50 GMT

Photo_11.jpg
Originally uploaded by tanha44

Wed, 22 Oct 2008 13:12:08 GMT

And now the Macbook won't even power on. ARRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH.

Tue, 21 Oct 2008 21:51:15 GMT

Fyi, my return key and some of my other keys are suddenly dead, so i can't instant message because i can't get it to send messages. arghhhhh

Thu, 16 Oct 2008 03:32:59 GMT

Today I remember my dear baby Zachary.

I remember
Nathan
Heaven
Neveah
Zachary across the street
Nazir
Alexa
Coral Rose
Mary Rose
Freddie
Victor
Ryland
Grace Olivia
Arawyn
Seth
Luke
Abdullah
Grace
Babylove
Kim's babies 1-4
Julianna
Stella
Bella
Conner
Frank James
Galadriel
Jordyn & Anika
Reagan Claire
Grace
Adia
Nicholas & Zachary
Luke & Ben

and so many others

My candles burn for you.

Thu, 16 Oct 2008 03:00:43 GMT

http://www.october15th.com/

Unbelievably, today my fellow mother in grief Lynn suffered her third loss of a child, Anton, at 29 weeks.

Fuck you universe, fucking fuck you to hell. How dare you!!!

Lynn, Mark, Anton, may you feel the MOA aunties' love flowing to you. Anton, may your passage into this world for your brief stay here be smooth. You join your sister Coral and baby sibling 2 somewhere today. May your dear face be kissed by mommy and daddy and grandma. May you feel their warm hugs and bless them with your beauty. Hold their hearts together with your perfection.

ra ma da sa sa say so hung

For datagoddess

Thu, 09 Oct 2008 20:17:09 GMT

Gabey's first ER trip, part 1

Wed, 24 Sep 2008 18:45:23 GMT

Thanks for the well wishes.

Monday afternoon, Gabey skipped his second nap, so he was a bit wobbly. My sister had come over to babysit a few hours earlier while I took Kevin to karate. After we got back from karate, I got us all fed and then was going to leave G with my sister while I ran Kevin to magic class.

Just a few minutes before we were ready to leave at 6:15 pm, Gabey was walking around the room. Suddenly he lost his balance and fell, hitting his head on the bottom shelf of a bookcase. Now, Gabey falls all the time. But this time there was no immediate scream/cry. There was that sickening silence that lets you know your child is having to wind up for the gut wrenching shriek that indicates something really bad.

My sister got to him first, picked him up, and turned him over. The blood was shooting out of his forehead in huge spurts, splattering all down his face and the floor. We grabbed Kleenex and yelled for Kevin to run and get paper towels. After wiping him up, it became clear there was one injury--a deep gash in his forehead that was still jettisoning blood. I sat with him on my lap applying firm pressure while he looked down the window (the only way to calm him down so he would stop trying to yank the paper towel away). I was afraid to look at the wound. I had a feeling.

Finally I took a look. It was a vertical gash right at the midline of his forehead. It looked like when you have an overripe tomato and drop it--narrow at the ends, gaping split in the middle with the edges splayed outwards. And still bleeding. I had my sister call Pete--and luckily he had just gotten off the El and was walking up the block. I was pretty sure we were headed for the ER. When he got home Pete agreed that we probably should--we also called our doctor's office. They said ER. We debated where to go--the local hospital where I had Kevin and Zach and who I hate with a passion (West Suburban Hospital), Loyala Hospital (about a 20 minute drive), or downtown Chicago to Children's Memorial Hospital. My immediate reaction was to not want to go to West Sub, but at the same time I worried it was just my experience with Zach that was clouding my decision. It was rush hour time, so it would take a while to get to downtown Chicago. And wasn't it overkill to go to CMH just for a few stitches? We thought about Loyola, but when my sister had her pulmonary embolisms, they were so busy they diverted the ambulance. We decided to go to the local hospital, West Sub so that we could get in and get out. HAHAHAHAHHAHHA. We left Kevin with my sister and asked her to put him to bed.

Ok, gotta go get Kevin from school. Part 2 later.

Tue, 23 Sep 2008 08:19:33 GMT

14 months old

7 hours in 3 different hospital ERs

3 stitches

2 exhausted parents, 1 exhausted baby

Photo_09.jpg

Tue, 23 Sep 2008 06:30:12 GMT

Photo_09.jpg
Originally uploaded by tanha44

Thu, 18 Sep 2008 18:13:33 GMT

Instructions:

* Take a picture of yourself right now. Don't change your clothes, don't fix your hair - just take a picture.
* Post that picture with NO editing.
* Post these instructions with the picture.

kevin's lunch for tmrw (bean dip under han)

Thu, 28 Aug 2008 02:23:09 GMT

kevin's lunch for tmrw (bean dip under han)
Originally uploaded by tanha44

Little boy luv

Wed, 27 Aug 2008 04:04:03 GMT

Little boy luv
Originally uploaded by tanha44

kevin's kindergarten

Tue, 26 Aug 2008 16:55:44 GMT

kevin's kindergarten
Originally uploaded by tanha44

kevin's first day of school w/new best friend

Tue, 26 Aug 2008 16:46:47 GMT

kevin's first day of school w/new best friend
Originally uploaded by tanha44

Fri, 01 Aug 2008 03:42:59 GMT

Four years ago, Zach, we looked into your face and fell so deeply in love. Such a beautiful, beautiful boy.

We miss you.

Between being sick and your brothers being very needy today, I haven't had a moment to just feel today. But it is there. It is always there.

We love you.

Happy birthday, Gabriel!

Thu, 10 Jul 2008 14:51:03 GMT

I just had to say it! Happy 1st birthday, sweet Gabey! A year ago right now I was in the car headed for the hospital. And here you are now, crawling all over your birthday presents (a big cushy chair and a car he rides in while we push).

Thank you for coming to us, dear one!

Will try to pictures somehow soon, but our webserver is down.

Wed, 18 Jun 2008 01:42:22 GMT

Ignore my next few posts--they are pictures of things I am putting on craiglist. Using LJ as my reminder while I put the ads up.

my midlife crisis

Wed, 18 Jun 2008 01:32:29 GMT

my midlife crisis
Originally uploaded by tanha44