I know I haven't told anyone how Gabey is doing or posted pictures or updated at all. I've been in hiding. I've been too ashamed and embarrassed and scared.

I've been really depressed and struggling since he was born.

Between October and November Gabey's weight gain began to slow. We figured that was normal--his weight gain was very rapid at first because of my oversupply that was created by my need to pump as he was learning to nurse. He began sleeping 10 hour stretches without nursing at night. Around November we noticed his reflux seemed to be slowing down/getting better. He began sleeping 12 hours at night without nursing. He became a big thumb sucker. At the end of December he weighed 12 lbs 5 oz (25th%) and was 25" (65th%). The doctor said if he seemed to be doing well reflux-wise, we should take him off the Tagamet.

Around that time I decided to take Vitex to try to get my hormones back on track. It said it could mess with your milk supply, but only in the first 3 months.

In December we thought Gabey got his first head cold. For one week he had a drippy nose, and then for the rest of the month he sounded congested and tended to cough at night. A cool mist vaporizer in his room helped some.

On Dec 26th he went in for a nurse visit for a shot. I was concerned about how skinny he looked and had them weigh him. He weighed 11lbs 11 oz. I freaked out. I decide to start taking fenugreek, stop taking Vitex, and start waking Gabey up at 11:30 p.m. to nurse. I tried to really focus on nursing him during the day, without distractions. He only wanted to nurse 6 times during each 24 hour period.

On Jan 11 he went for his 6 month check up. He weighed 11 lbs 12 oz--he gained one damned ounce. He wasn't even on the weight chart. He had grown 1/4" and was down to 25th% for that. I was floored. Hell, I asked for Zoloft at that point (and got it!). I went home that afternoon and rented a digital nursing scale that weighs to the gram so I could weigh him before and after nursing. For most nursings during the day he was only drinking 2 oz. I was crushed.

We ended up calling our ped that weekend after hours because I was having a panic attack. The more I thought about it the more I wondered if instead of getting better, Gabey's reflux had become silent reflux. I had wondered about that in the months leading up to that--it would explain the constant irritated sinuses, the lack of weight gain, the coughing, the grimacing when he coughs or burps (and sometimes shrieking). But the fact that he slept all night without fussing and the fact that he didn't fuss while eating kept making me think that wasn't possible. Plus he was alert and active during the day, meeting milestones in an appropriate time. When we brought that up to the ped and mentioned that we had stopped his Tagamet right when his weight started to drop, she agreed that was likely. She told us to start back up on the meds for him. We figure his reflux had gotten bad and become silent--causing him to eat less at his nursing sessions even though he still ate for the same amount of time. That caused my milk to drop. To comfort himself he became a thumb sucker.

After I got off the phone with her, I felt a bit better. I had a plan. Unfortunately Pete was leaving 2 days later for a 4 day business trip. I started taking a bit more fenugreek because I was worried about my supply.

Six hours after Pete left I got hit by mastitis, full force. Unfortunately, I didn't run a full fever with it so I thought it was just a clogged duct from hell and that I was overreacting. After suffering for 2 days I finally spoke to someone who said she had had mastitis 6 time and not had a fever her last 3 times. I called my doctor (who is also our ped) and got a Rx for antibiotics called in right away. My breast was the size of a watermelon. The only way I could nurse Gabe on that side was to put him on his back and crouch over him on all fours and dangle it into his mouth. He lost 3-4 ounces that week and I lost 5 lbs.

When Pete came back, I started waking Gabey up 2 extra times at night. My LC wanted us to keep Gabe in bed with us, but Gabe doesn't like it. So, I set my alarm for every 3 hours. He is happy to nurse then, but does not wake up on his own. The first day after I did that, his reflux got horrible. He spent his day trying to nurse and pulling off the breast and screaming at me. It was awful awful awful. We called the on call ped (someone out of the group) and found that his Tagamet dose was too low. We started him on that, and it seemed to help some during the next week, but not as much as it should. I could still see him refluxing into his mouth and grimacing. His daytime nursings were short (but I from the scale I found he was taking in the same amount of milk, but in a shorter time).

We just had our follow up visit with the doctor last Friday. He was back up to 12 lbs even. We told her the Tagamet wasn't working as well as it should to manage his reflux, even at the highest dose he could take. He is now on Prevacid. Does anyone here have any experience giving a baby that stuff--it's hard to get him to drink it all (2 T twice a day)?

Ever since this has happened I've been a mess. I've felt shame and terror. I've blamed myself for not seeing it sooner, for taking something that might have decreased my milk, for not recognizing his silent reflux sooner, for being distracted in Dec with the holidays and Kevin to not catch the weight loss sooner, for not realizing that he shouldn't be sleeping that long, etc. In the worst of my panic attacks I was convinced I was killing him and that it my depression that was causing me to unconsciously starve him. I felt like the worst mother in the world, the most incompetent, the most stupid. I was terrified that people would think that because I'm so fucked in the head from Zach and my mom dying that I was clearly unable to keep this kid alive--as evidenced by me starving him. I've not wanted to tell anyone what was going on--not even you guys. I've not taken him around friends or other babies for fear people would see how skinny he was.

Luckily things seem to be getting better. The Zoloft is taking effect. Pete is back home. The mastitis is finally gone, but I'm still weak. The Prevacid seems to be controlling the reflux. I'm getting Gabey to eat about 9 times a day. He seems to be getting more of an appetite for nursing now. I've upped my supply with fenugreek (more carefully this time) and night nursing. We also started him on a tiny bit of solids--not to replace his milk intake, but to supplement it a bit and to encourage his appetite. And now his weight is starting to slowly go up at a steady rate.

This has been such a crushing thing for me. So silencing. So heart wrenching. So personal. Even though the LC has good intentions, she did make me did feel like it was my fault my milk dropped, my fault I was letting him sleep, my fault for not stopping him from sucking his thumb and only letting him suck on me, my fault for not forcing him to like co-sleeping. She said he was pulling away from me (oh, bullshit!). And of course, I'm his mother. Of course anything that goes wrong with him is my fault....and this is my body feeding/sustaining him. So it's been a huge self worth, identity, etc problem as well. Not to mention the panic and fear that he would die....that my body would kill another child. Ugh.

Sorry if this is so disjointed. I'm not even going to proofread this. I wanted to post this, to get it out there, before I lost my nerve.

In a logical corner of my brain, I knew you guys wouldn't judge me and would understand how this was triggering all kinds of issues in me. But the triggered part of my brain was firmly in control about this, sadly. I stopped answering friends' emails. I would log off my instant messaging client so no one could chat with me. I was terrified people would think that here I'd finally been given this blessed gift and all I could do was fuck up and endanger him. The fear and panic was smothering me. I felt like the worst mother in the world, the most inept.

At one point I had to ask the lactation consultant point blank--"You know my other son died. You know I have issues. So you know that I have to ask you--is he eating enough at least that he won't die?" She said that yes, he was and I burst into tears.

*sigh* He seems to be gaining weight now slowly. Part of me wants to weight him before and after every nursing, but I know that would make me insane. I'd analyze every feed to death, panic if he drank a little less one time, wonder if I had enough milk, fret, etc. I tried that a bit for a few days and it was horrible. I'm trying to limit myself to weighing him just once a day or every other day. Plus, when I weigh him all the time, I approach each nursing session with fear and anxiety. Will he eat good, will there be enough milk, is he geting enough hindmilk, etc etc.

I used a gift certificate today to get him one of his first completely new to him toys--once of those fancy jumperoo bouncer thingies. Poor kid has nothing new to him--all Kevin hand me downs. They didn't have the jumperoos 5 yrs ago--and none of our door frames work with the hanging jumpers. He loved it! He squealed and laughed and smiled and bounced like mad. What a sweetie!

In good news about Gabey--he's a master at rolling tummy to back (keep in mind he's a 34 weeker so he is a bit behind) and has been rolling back to tummy some lately. He can sit on his own for 4-5 seconds, but prefers to be held so he can practice standing. He's been fascinated by us eating and drinking, and has been more than happy to start a bit of solids. He loves to be sung to and bounced. He loves to smile at his brother and pull his hair. Bath time is splash time. I've started signing with him and he seems interested in that. He love to read, especially Sandra Boynton books. He thinks it is funny to stick both legs/feet into one leg of his sleep and play outfits.

He weighed 12 lb 3 oz on Tuesday.